


How Could You?

by applepi314 (orphan_account)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Depression, M/M, Suicide, letters to someone, more to come soon though!, okay first ever fic here not to mention first fic posted :/
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-20
Updated: 2015-05-20
Packaged: 2018-03-31 09:26:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3972766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/applepi314
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil writes Dan a letter to help cope with his suicide.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How Could You?

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Agh I've never felt this compelled to write this much phanfiction or any type of fanfic in...I don't know how long. I just feel really inspired as I'm waiting to get an actual beta for the Phandom Big Bang 2015. (haha there isn't even anything up on any of my sites, but I've written a lot I'm waiting to put up for various reasons)
> 
> Link to prompt since I'm on mobile and don't know how to add links: http://phanfic.tumblr.com/post/119371979955

Dear Dan,  
First of all, how dare you‽ I'm your best friend, not to mention your boyfriend. You should have told me if you were struggling.  
I know saying things like "don't cut" or "there are things to live for" don't help. Hell, I know. But I also know telling someone, anyone, helps. And I don't want to sound self-centered, but it would have been nice to be that person.  
If you have moved on and can't see us, but are somehow reading this, we miss you. Your dad called me and said your mum wasn't speaking or eating at all, and your brother locked himself up in his room.  
Louise, Zoey, Cat, PJ, Chris, Tyler, Joe, Mark, Caspar, Jack, Dean, Joey, Alfie, Marcus, Felix, and every other YouTuber ever misses you too. So does Dil, Susans 1-5, Eliza, Bob, Preston, Zachary, GUMther, FLINT, Wallace, John, and even Erica. Maybe the fans don't know yet, but they will soon enough.  
Now we've gotten the people who miss you out of the way, what about me? I'm sure you had your reasons, but you know I think and know every single human being on this earth should live because the good always outweighs the bad, no matter how impossible it may seem. I just can't help but feel guilty that I'm that sort of person, and yet the one person closest to me committed suicide.  
It's hard even writing that word. It's such an ugly one.  
I know you'd say not to blame myself, but try to put yourself in my position, okay? If I killed myself with no signs whatsoever of depression, wouldn't you feel guilty? I feel like I should have noticed.  
But you were eating fine, spending the same amount of time scrolling tumblr, seeming to sleep soundly. Dan, you hadn't had an existential crisis in months.  
The house seems lonely without the sounds of you scrolling or furiously typing. I can't watch anime or listen to Muse or even eat fucking cereal without thinking of you.  
Dan, it isn't just loneliness, it's actual emptiness. There is literally a hole in my heart. No, there's not a hole. The place in my heart for you is still there, Dan. There's a hole in my life. You're more than my best friend, or my boyfriend or any other name we've had for each other. You are my other half. Literally. Otherwise it's just Phil. No more collabs, or DanAndPhilGAMES, or philisnotonfires, or Day In The Life's. Dil becomes il. Phan is just Ph. Without you, I'm just Phil Lester, a lonely YouTuber who lost his best friend.  
I understand you had to leave. You had to escape. But please stay with me. I always said it would be cool for a ghost to haunt me.

Love, Phil

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Sorry this is probably super crappy, the fic and setup. The setup is because I'm on mobile and it's being slow and laggy. As for the fic, I just generally apologise. It was a spur of the moment idea I got when I saw a prompt while scrolling phanfic. I just had a go and this is the product...go ahead and insult me in the comments(if anyone even reads this lol)  
> PS. It's also assuming the book never was a thing.


End file.
